Warning - sarcasm, curse words and insults

This week I received an email meme. This one was so bewildering I wasn't sure exactly what it was trying to achieve so I thought to myself 'anything this pointless belongs on my blog'. Also, it seemed preferable to put it on the blog rather than do the whole email thing (although I did send it to the person who sent to me - it's called pay back).

However in most cases it just seems rude to force this on anyone. I figure if you're here you may want to read the blog. If there's something you don't like on the blog you click away - I call this 'having a choice'. However if I land in your inbox with my inane ramblings it's just a bit.....forward and pushy. So it's here, if you want to read it go for it, otherwise tune in later for something less sarcastic and self indulgent (actually I can't promise that anything I write will be less sarcastic and self indulgent, sorry about that).

Warning there is some bad language, I am trying not to curse on the blog so much, it shocks people, especially the 'f' word. Although if anyone is missing it let me know and I'll bring it back because really, it's a vital part of my vocabulary.

Also there is a response in there that may, or may not, offend my American readers. I apologise for this, it is there purely for comic value and not intended in any way to be hurtful. Although you guys do need to look at your spelling - just sayin'! God bless America.

Anyway, here goes....welcome to the utterly ridiculous 2008 edition of 'getting to know your friends'.

1. What is your occupation?
Archaeologist and adventurer……just kidding.

2. What colour are your socks right now?
Are you serious? It’s f&&%ing 39 degrees - why would I be wearing socks?! I'm hardly wearing clothes.

3 What are you listening to right now?
The whirring of fans (see previous question)

4. What is the last thing that you ate?
Food.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Speak English, do you mean a ‘manual car’? Of course I can. I can also walk and chew gum at the same time....I'm coordinated that way.

6. What colour would you be, if you were a colour?
Eh? How could I BE a colour? I may have a different skin tone if were of another race but frankly if I were an actual colour I’d be seriously concerned and probably consult a doctor rather than sitting here answering questions about it.

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
None of your business, who are you people, ASIO?*this is cover up sarcasm because in truth I can't remember.

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes, she has good taste in friends.

9. How old are you today?
Now that is none of your damn business. Let’s just say I’m youthful.

10. Favourite drink?
Alcohol……..and it is too a drink.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Sport? To watch? Do me a favour. Pffft.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Don’t be ridiculous.....

I get someone else to do it.

13. Pets?
What about them?>

14. Favourite food?
I don’t exhibit favouritism where food is concerned and my ample arse is testimony to that.

15. Last movie you watched?
The Devil Wears Prada. I aspire to be that much of a bitch – I’m getting there (some would say I reached that destination a long time ago).

16. Favourite Day of the year?
This year or last year?

17. What do you do to vent anger?
Do the words ‘fava beans and a nice Chianti’ mean anything to you?

18. What was your favorite toy as a child?
If you mean favourite – it has a ‘u’ in it in civilised countries - I can’t remember. It was a long time ago.

19. What is your favorite, fall or spring?
Again with the misspelling….I don’t measure by seasons I measure by temperature. I hate hot. It is currently autumn and yet…..it is hot, therefore today I hate autumn. If it were cool today, or even better, cold, I may love autumn. Do you understand?

21. Cherry or Blueberry?
Oh absolutely (just humouring you now).

22. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Well I'm not emailing them so that would be silly.

23. Who is most likely to respond?
How should I know, is this a trick question?

24. Who is least likely to respond?
You’re starting to annoy me.

25. Living arrangements?
Yes I have some and I’m avoiding the dying arrangements for as long as possible.

26. When was the last time you cried?
Monday - what’s the point of this question, surely you’d be better to ask why? I’m not telling you why though.

27. Who is the friend you've had the longest that you are sending this to?
Your grammar is as bad as your spelling. Atrocious.

28. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to?
Oh my God, you are almost illiterate!

29. Favorite smell? Vanilla or frangipanni
Aren’t there more smells than that?

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
I’m vegan. Now do you feel stupid?

33. Favourite Car:
Oh, ok finally one I can answer. S-type Jaguar. Drool.

34. Favourite cat breed?
Is there a point to all this? I like cats ok? I don’t believe I have a particular breed that I prefer. I’m not too keen on those bald ones though.

35. Number of keys on your key ring?
Why didn’t you ask about dog breeds? That’s discrimination that is.

36. How many years at your current job?
Let me see now, in 1936 I was working as a respected archaeologist at a New England university when I had an adventure in which I was pitted against the Nazis. I travelled the world trying to prevent them from recovering the Ark of the Covenant….so it must be 72 years this year….oh hang on, that wasn’t me.

37. Favourite day of the week?
I don’t measure by days I measure by temperature. I hate hot. It is currently Friday and yet…..it is hot, therefore today I hate Friday. If it were cool today, or even better, cold, I may love Friday. Are you getting this at all?

38. How many states have you lived in?
(WTF?) Oh thousands, honestly…… thousands!

Is it over?

Thank God.