Change

I can’t decide whether it’s just the thought of spring coming or whether it’s real. I feel a change coming. Something is stirring, little whispers of ideas and plans. Nothing substantial and often the thoughts slip away, the way dreams do, before I can fully grasp them. But somewhere inside I have a ‘feeling’. It’s a vague ‘feeling’ but it’s definitely a feeling.

Once upon a time this would have driven me to distraction. I would have been frantically scanning the recesses of my mind, feeling frustrated and annoyed that I couldn’t get to work on whatever it is. These days I have been learning a new way to deal with this. I just sit with it. I don’t force it. I take the little bits that come to me and examine them and put them away until some other piece comes and I look at that, maybe add it to the other piece like a mental jigsaw puzzle, maybe discard it, maybe start a new puzzle. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it. And that’s ok too.

I don’t really know what this is about. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t even know if it is anything at all. Strange thing is…I don’t mind not knowing all that because what I DO know that it will all unfold exactly as it should with or without any help from me.

Enough

Just lately I’ve been thinking about what is enough. Or at least when am I enough? When is what I have done or what I do enough?

This thinking has been the result of a bit of soul searching on my part. Something I’ve avoided for quite some time because the trouble with searching is sometimes you find stuff and it’s not always pretty. However, my constant discontentment has forced me to take the advice I usually give to my clients and ‘go within’ just a little bit.

I’ve told you about my new job, how much I like it and the people I work with it and they seem to like me too. I also whined about the decisions I had to make about more study or continue with the business etc. I won’t go on about it again, I still don’t know what I’m doing. Anyway….what I have realised is that this is a bit of a pattern with me (at least in career terms). I run away from what I really want, find something that I quite like and will settle for, then decide that I have to BE MORE for this role so I start cramming my life with more hard work and study and angst about my abilities. Until one day I collapse in a heap of disillusion and depression and exhaustion – and slightly lose my mind for a little while. And then I start all over again.

Sigh.

Why do I do it, why am I constantly putting myself in the position of thinking I have to be more, always more. Never ok just as I am, never ENOUGH.

Jennifer Louden writes about the ‘Hounds of More’ she says “Hounds of More are petrified you won’t be able to do what you most yearn to do in your life, so they keep you running in circles, chasing your—and their!—tails.”

Mine are there, always snapping at my ankles making me go faster, search harder, grasp at more, and more and more. So much to do and learn and achieve and BE!

When in actual fact I don’t think I really want any more – at least not that stuff. I want a peaceful life, I want to plant a herb garden and draw again and grow some vegetables and walk the dog and play with the children.

I just haven’t quite worked out how to pacify the hounds.

The world turns

Well here I am again, popping up when you least expect it. Life is no less busy, the temporary job I was doing was extended another four weeks, that four weeks is up next Friday but they don’t seem to have any plans to let me go. 

I’m a bit conflicted about it all, I like working there even though the work is not what I normally do.  I know it won’t challenge me for long (it doesn’t really challenge me now but it’s interesting enough to hold my attention).   It’s a nice working environment and probably has some potential for future work that is more in my field.   However I sometimes can’t help feeling I’m just ‘settling’ for something less than I am capable of and avoiding stepping out into the world and actually doing something I want to do.

One of the reasons I haven’t been blogging is that my life is just full of this incessant internal dialogue of whining and moaning and indecision and it seems grossly unfair to inflict others with it.  I bore myself, it certainly wouldn’t be entertaining for anyone else.

So I’ll continue my inner debate and occasionally pop by to let you know I’m still alive.

In the meantime if anyone has any idea how I can get my mojo back I’m all ears.

 

2008 - A reflection

40 questions about 2008

Summing up 2008 with a meme...how original. This one was quite good, it made me think a bit, I'm trying to think because I want a better year than last.

Also, a warning...foul language alert.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
   • Took TWO children to school - I have TWO at school...can you believe it?
     
   • NaBloPoMo
   • A few business related things
     
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   I don't make them...at all...ever.
   
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Yes, a close friend had a little girl, Mia.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   My gran, on 16 December.
   
5. What countries did you visit?
   None. Unfortunately.
   
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
   An income from my business.
   
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
   
   • 16 December (see number 4)
     
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Graduating.
9. What was your biggest failure?
   There is no such thing as failure, only feedback (ha!) and I got some feedback that I'm crap at marketing my business.
   
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Apart from a hideous flu I have been ok.
    
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    My rice maker (sad but true).
    
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
    Mu daughters, they are sweet and loving and honest and clever. I'm very proud of them. Also Kevin Rudd but only for this.
    
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
    Politicians. All of them except this one. They're (almost) all bastards.
    
14. Where did most of your money go?
    What money?
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    Umm...not much...I'm not one for getting really, really, really excited...seems extreme. I was 'quite pleased' about a number of things.
    
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?
    I listen to this a lot...it pleases me greatly. Not that version though.
    
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    1. Happier or sadder? Sadder
       
    2. Thinner or fatter? Well that's a bit rude...especially post Christmas.
       
    3. Richer or poorer? Richer from lessons learned, financially not so much...
       
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Taking action
    
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Stressing out.
    
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I've covered this already here and here.
    
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
    I rarely use the phone, I spend ridiculous amounts of time on the computer having email conversations with my sisters. I like doing that.
    
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
    Of course. What is life without falling in love a little bit?
    
23. How many one night stands in this last year?
    Good God, you must be joking. Apart from the fact I am happily married, who could be bothered? Really.
    
24. What was your favourite TV programme?
    Midsomer and Dr Who. I love them equally. And Documentaries about history and archeology.
    
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    Ooh, that's a bit strong isn't it? Hate is such an ugly word (I do use it though). I prefer intensely dislike and I intensely dislike pretty much the same people as this time last year. All politicians funnily enough.
    
26. What was the best book(s) you read?
    So many! Too many to mention here but there is one that I read, then a month later read again and that was 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. Wonderful book.
    
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu
    
28. What did you want and get?
    God, this is taking ages....ummm, let me see....can't think of anything - apart from my ricemaker.
    
29. What did you want and not get?
    Business success.
    
30. What were your favourite films of this year?
    Didn't have a favourite last year.
    
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 21 and had dinner with Tom and the girls.
    
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Getting my shit together in my business and actually making it work.
    
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
    A bag lady in yoga pants.
    
34. What kept you sane?
    Chocolate and cuddling my girls.
    
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    David Tennant - without a doubt.
    
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Where to start...all of it...politicians are arseholes and they're f%#king it all up. Everything.
    
37. Who did you miss?
    My Mum and Dad.
    
38. Who was the best new person you met?
    All of my newest blog friends.
    
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
    Ideas are useless without action.
    
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?'Falling slowly' -not the whole song you understand, just that lyric. I feel like I spent a large part of the year falling very slowly.
    

The reluctant blogger

That's me.

I just haven't felt much felt like it for the past few days. Nothing serious, just busy being on holiday with Tom and the girls. I'm sure when things get back to 'normal' I'll regain my interest but right now it's a bit all over the place.

I've also been giving a lot of thought to 2009 and deciding what I want to do and how I intend to go about doing it. It's all very deep and profound (not really). I'm looking forward to this year and I feel quite positive about it, but still a little uncertain of my direction. This is nothing new, I've been having this internal debate for about 6 months and I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I think I just need to make a decision and get on with it.

So if the posts continue to be erratic you'll know why.

Settling in

I'm struggling to get back to any kind of routine after the festive season. It took me ages to unpack all the bags after our holiday and I still feel that everything is just a little disorganised (except my bathroom cabinet which I cleaned out yesterday). Of course we have another 3+ weeks of school holidays so it will be some time before we get back to complete normality ('normal' being a relative term around here).

Next week is shaping up to be very busy, the girls will be doing daily swimming lessons and although Tom is still on holiday he has some contract work to complete and I have a number of things I MUST do for the business. We'll be battling for computer time and fighting over whose turn it is to take the girls to their swimming lesson, should be a fun week.

I feel I should say something about the future, this being a brand new year and all. I have no resolutions for 2009, I don't really 'do' resolutions - I can never keep them - but I have a lot of hope that this will be a much better year than 2008. I also have some personal and business 'goals', things I'd like to achieve rather than things I resolve to do (or not do). Most of all I hope to make 2009 a happier year by enjoying the journey a bit more, taking it all a bit less seriously, having more 'fun' (whatever that is) and getting away for short breaks more often. I don't expect this year to be any less busy than last year was, but I'd like to handle it a bit better by remembering to stop occasionally.

This year I will try not to be a slave to stress and worry and sadness.

And I'll keep blogging, my second blogiversary is coming up, can't quit now.

Wishing you....

....my treasured blog friends the happiest of years. I hope, in 2009, you thrive in peace and prosperity and write lots of posts for my entertainment.

A big cyber hug to you all.

Resolutions are horrible things so if you make any only make nice ones, like 'laugh more' (except you Dave, please don't laugh at all) or 'eat more chocolate' or 'take a nap every day'. At least those resolutions are easy to keep.

I'm better now

Ok, please excuse yesterday's little outburst, I'm feeling better today. I have decided to follow Z's wise advice and keep a couple of posts in draft for those occasions that I just cannot rise to the challenge and I think I should also do my posts early in the day, before I start working, then I can relax knowing I've fulfilled my contractual obligations to Dave and I can carry the flag right to end of NaBloPoMo on behalf of my fallen comrade Cathy and remain an inspiration to my doting sister Moyra (yeah, I'm kidding right there - she does love me though).

So I bet you are just dying to know what today brings ....well, it's work. Yes, that's right more stuff about making money and getting clients and making money and did I mention making money....because I need to make some. Sometimes I hanker after the days when I went to my nice spacious, well equipped office (all paid for by someone else - taxpayers in fact) and did the work someone else decided I should do and drank excellent coffee from the wonderful espresso machine (in my office no less) and looked forward to a nice lump of cash being deposited into my bank account on a regular basis. Nowadays I sit in my little office (aka the third bedroom) and have to decide for myself what work I have to do and then I have to do it all myself (no delegating here) and I only get paid if I get clients and they pay me. I still have nice coffee though...no scrimping there. Do I want to change that? Do I hell. Yes, it can hard and I'll admit that sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the work and the responsibility to make money and struggle to get clients but all in all I don't want to change any of it. I can drop my children at school, stay for half an hour and do reading or other activities, I can run errands, come home and put a load of washing on while I work, I make my own decisions all day long and go and pick up the girls from school at home time. I have all the benefits of being a stay-at-home-mum with the bonus of still having a job (a sort of badly-paid-enormous-amount-of- work-job, but still a job). I like that.

I'm still in touch with a few of my colleagues from work and today I heard that the department is being closed down and some staff will be moved to two other colleges and others will lose their jobs. No consultation - decision made. If I was still there I might be one of the ones to lose my job (I worked part time) if not I'd be commuting to colleges much further away, colleges I didn't choose to work for. I'm glad I'm not there any more.

It just makes me all the more determined to make this business work.

Which I won't do if I stay here blogging about it instead of doing it.

Oh God is it only day 6? and 'on my desk' (late)

Still here...no raids but I'm pretty sure some notes have been added to my already bulging ASIO file.

Well I'm loving this NaBloPoMo...ahem...nothing gets a girl through the day like the irritating, nagging, little thought that you haven't done today's post yet (I blame you for this Cathy). In my 'excitement' yesterday (wow! sarcasm twice already) I forgot all about On My Desk Wednesday!! What an oversight! The only guaranteed blog fodder I have all week and I forgot about it!

Here it is.

On my desk today I have... Mini Sharpies...I'm a stationery addict and these feed my habit....

....a magnifying glass......because I HATE wearing my reading glasses and want to pretend I don't need them.....

....and an Alumni membership card.

Ooh, this is like a game isn't it? Like those I spy books. 'What does this all mean?' I hear you ask. What strange project is she undertaking that requires these items?

Yeah, well sorry....nothing. They have no relevance except that they have been used sometime in the past week and no-one has put them away. Because the truth is that on my desk today there is no work, there are no projects and nothing of the remotest interest to anyone. Sorry.

This is an insult to the great institution that is 'On My Desk'. and will go down in history as the lamest post of my blogging career.

Which reminds me, speaking of careers...I'm a bit disappointed that there haven't been more suggestions for my future. Dave came up with a marvelous idea that I should become a navigator on a starship. This appealed to me enormously (I love Sci Fi) but in the end I just can't do the tight spacesuit I'm afraid.

So come on, what else is there...there will be prizes....ok, there won't be prizes but I need all the help I can get.

What's going on?

I am not deliberately ignoring my somewhat mysterious comment on Wednesday's 'on my desk' post. I said 'something's afoot' and something is indeed afoot. However at this stage I don't know enough to make it worthwhile posting about it and it may all come to nothing anyway. Decisions have to made and thoughts must be thought. Once I have more information you will be the first (or thirty eighth) to know.

In the meantime just sit there humming quietly to yourselves.

Tired

Well I think I overdid things. I haven't fully recovered from the virus I had last week but went ahead and started sanding and painting anyway and then fell in a bit of heap. It took me a while to work out what was wrong, then I realised I just wasn't quite well enough yet. So I've put the painting on hold for a few days. I did finish the dining area though and it looks very nice.

So today I'm just resting, reading and doing some crafty activities with the girls. Tom is on holiday until the 25th when he starts his new job - I'm hoping I might get some help with the sanding and painting.

Yesterday was the last day at his old job and they treated him to a nice lunch and gave him a bottle of single malt as a farewell gift - he was happy with that. He's really looking forward to starting his new job. Tom is an environmental scientist, for the past 6 or 7 years he has been working for the state government with the group that stops people cutting down trees they shouldn't cut down and clearing valuable vegetation that should be left alone. His job was on the research side of things and he quite enjoyed it. During that time he's gone off a few times on secondment to other environmental workgroups doing lots of interesting things. He has become increasingly interested in policy and legislation and did a short spell in the Minister's office. Because he has a vast knowledge of the Acts and legislation regarding Natural Resource Management in South Australia and is fluent in public service speak he has now secured a position writing policy. Mainly water policy. Which is an issue in this state. Just slightly.

He's going to busy.

New Year's Eve 5.30pm

It's pretty quiet around here, apart from the call of the Tamagotchi. The girls are away for a couple of days and Tom is having a nap. Because the girls are away I am answering the calls of not one, but two, Tamagotchis. It's nerve wracking because I don't want to be responsible for their deaths.

As well as that I am having my annual New Year meltdown. I don't really know why it happens, something to do the pending fresh start, a new beginning full of promise and a lot of angst about how badly I am likely to fuck it up. As well as a healthy dose of overwhelm about what I still want to do in my life. I have no valid reason to think I will fuck it up, although I can say I've managed it a few times in the past. However, 2007 has been a fairly good year in many ways, not least that I managed to complete two qualifications that have been hanging over my head for some time. I also finally left my job to go it alone in my business. The girls are happy, healthy and a constant source of entertainment and Tom and I are doing fine with no plans to become a divorce statistic anytime soon. Of course there have been low points but I won't dwell on those.

Whatever the past has been, at this time of year I still always manage to feel a bit lost, a bit apprehensive and a bit directionless. So this year I've decided to do something different. I'm going to sit down and make some lists. Not resolutions, because we all know those are made to be broken. Just some 'I'd quite like to...' or 'At some stage I may...' type of suggestions to myself. A short list of possibilities for 2008. Because the best thing about the future is possibility and really.....the possibilities are endless. Stay tuned.

Wishing you a happy and abundant 2008!!