Beam me up Scottie...

Dear Universe

Hi, how's it going? Bet you're surprised to be getting a letter from me eh? Yeah, well I thought it might be an idea to resort to good old fashioned, straightforward letter writing because Dude, we have got some serious communication issues you and I. Allow me to explain.

I currently seem to be experiencing a break in transmission or perhaps some kind of virus that causes my dreams, ideas and wishes to scramble so that when they finally reach you they are obviously indecipherable. You, in your infinite wisdom and obviously trying to be helpful, think 'hmmm, not sure what that was, I'll just send some crap her way and see what happens'. I'm sure you have your reasons but I am now requesting that you cease and desist from any further sending of shit in my direction. Capiche? Because things just suck, and have done for a while now and as if it wasn't all sucky enough, today brought it to new heights of suckiness that made me want to just stick hot needles in my eyes....or better still somebody else's. It's as though every little inconvenience, annoyance and big bloody screw up that can happen, has happened and frankly my friend I blame you.

Look, it's not that I'm ungrateful, seriously...you have done so much cool stuff...what with the all the rainforests and infinite possibilities and so on, but right now I am formally asking, in writing, for what I want.

As follows:

1. Sleep. Lots of it, no more sleepless nights, prowling the house, praying that I'll walk into a wall, convinced that a mild concussion will at least let me get some rest.

2. Answers. To all those questions, you know what they are. Just tell me what to do. Clearly and in an unambiguous manner. I don't get subtlety and hints - it needs to be IN MY FACE. Just sayin'.

3. This weekend to disappear. I'm not looking forward to it, you know why. Just get it over with quickly - like pulling off a band aid - rrriiiiiippppp! I'd be in your debt.

4. For that mean old lady's knickers to fall down in a public place. Yeah...her.

5. Money. Yep go on, why not? A great big pile of it please. No strings attached.

6. Opportunities. That I actually understand. Need I say more?

7. Health and happiness....well OBVIOUSLY.

8. World peace (and if you could give some special attention to Tibet right now I'd be grateful, they're in a bit of a kerfuffle over there).

9. To not fall over tomorrow when I'm in front of all those people getting the thing. You know.

10. Something to wear for collecting the thing, preferably something I already own that looks good (yeah I know, it's a big ask).

Ok, that's it for this week. I hope that all makes sense, if not just ask, don't guess.....please. I shall look forward to life getting considerably better a few minutes after I press 'publish'.

Lots of love

Caitlin XX

P.S. I was most definitely kidding about you being to blame - it's not you it's me. I'd just appreciate a bit of extra love from you right now if you can manage it.