Chapter 3 – The girl who hasn’t a clue

I hope you haven’t all died of anticipation waiting for me to continue this fascinating study of my life.

I won’t keep you waiting a moment longer…

One of the things that I’ve liked about working at my new workplace is the encouragement I’ve had from senior people, I’ve had discussions with a couple of them and they have talked to me about the organisation’s mentoring program (to assist staff move forward on a career path). They’ve also asked me questions about my qualifications and plans for further study. They recognise that I’m not working in my field and that I have skills and qualifications to do much more than I am doing in this role. There are lots of very interesting jobs within this organisation and if I’m going to be working, I wouldn’t mind doing something in this educational sector.

I was recently offered a place on a Masters Program; I would be doing a Master of Education with a speciality in Cognitive Psychology and Educational Practice – which is just a fancy way of saying ‘how people learn’. The managers here were very approving of that.

The thing is…do I really want to commit to years of study (I’d have to do it very part time)? Also, do I actually want a career anymore? I’ve been down that road and chose to leave. I wanted to run my business and be around for my children. Years of working full time and studying part time is not conducive to family life, especially as Tom is working on a Masters himself, so I’ve been picking up a lot of extra ‘home duties’ to support him in his studies. Is this really how I want my future to be? Working all week and studying all weekend? Maybe I would be better to stay with this job (which isn’t too onerous) and spend a little bit of time gradually building my business until it’s at the stage that I can leave work and do only that.

I have to admit I enjoy studying and there is a part of me that would love to get my Masters. I’m just not sure how much I want that. How much of it is a genuine desire for a future in education and how much is it my ego wanting to show the world I can do it?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions and that is my dilemma. Somehow along the way I have totally lost sight of what I really want and I don’t know how to find that again. But the other problem could be that there are too many possibilities.  Poor little princess.

I know it probably sounds pretty pathetic – there are people in the world with REAL problems and here I am fretting about what to do with my life. But this is the only life I’ve got and I want to make it count AND be happy if that’s possible. I want to be a good example to my children AND be around for them. I want to earn my own money AND be free.

Not much to ask really, is it? No. I didn’t think so either.

Delay

Apologies for the delay…I have no computer access.  The story will continue as soon as that is rectified.

Chapter 2 - The girl who is

So I found myself on my first temping assignment. I was quite pleased because it was with an educational organisation, but one with a ‘spiritual’ focus. It is also the organisation that oversees the sector to which my daughters’ school belongs. I was to spend a month covering for someone who was on leave.

The minute I walked in I felt at home, the people were nice, the atmosphere was peaceful and while at first I found it unusual to be working in an environment where every meeting began with a prayer, I didn’t object. It didn’t take me long to find my way around and I’ve always been independent so I wasn’t constantly seeking help or reassurance. Basically I just got on with it and everyone seemed really pleased that I did. I got a lot of praise. I felt I was only doing what I was being paid to do at the level I was used to performing. Others felt I was excelling in some way. Go figure. Within a week my immediate manager was making comments about ‘keeping me on’ and telling anyone who’d listen what a ‘God-send’ I was and generally singing my praises high and low. It was nice, if not slightly disconcerting. I really wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. She spoke to people in other areas and soon I was being asked to do small projects for other people. I continued to do this for a month and then my time was up. The assistant director invited me to a meeting and asked me to stay on for another month working in her area with some other senior people. I agreed. At that time she also strongly encouraged me to apply for a vacancy that was coming up. So I started in the new area and they arranged for me to do four days with them and a fifth day with another team in need of the kind of project support I do. It’s a lovely mix. I’ve had lots of interesting projects to work on and done some fascinating research and data analysis. I also applied for the job as suggested and pretty much just got on with my work.

To cut a long story short, my application was welcomed, I interviewed for the position (there were other applicants too) and yesterday they offered me the job and I accepted. That should be the happy ending shouldn’t it? And it is, in many ways. I actually love it here. It’s an organisation that is a good match for a) my career interests b) my personal values and c) my academic goals.

So why am I not jumping for joy?

I’ll try and explain tomorrow.

Chapter 1 – The girl who was

I’ve never really planned my career but I’ve had quite a good working life. I got a qualification, got a job, did well, got better jobs and kept doing that for a quite a long time, moving upwards, gaining skills and experience and occasionally taking little detours into new areas. Along the way I did some ‘personal development’ learned some stuff and started doing bits and pieces on the side, building what eventually became a little business.

About 3 years ago I found myself working in tertiary education as a lecturer a couple of days a week and running my business on another day (sometimes two) as well as studying for a Bachelor degree in Adult Education. My business was rewarding, I ran courses and workshops for women, mostly in personal and spiritual development, but with a bit of career planning from time to time (I’m enjoying the irony of THAT these days). I also taught meditation. People liked my courses and asked for more. It was all good, well; perhaps not ALL good…I was pretty bored lecturing. I like to teach but I’d been teaching the same courses for years and was a bit over them. It wasn’t easy to make changes in that regard due the ‘culture’ of the organisation. I felt a bit stuck. I was also totally burnt out and exhausted from doing so much. I eventually decided to leave my job.

I had plans to concentrate on my business and build it up, which would give me the freedom to be around for my children, able to do school runs and attend activities and generally have the best of both worlds. My degree was finished, I’d left my job and the world was my oyster. It was about then I had a minor melt down. I can’t explain what happened; I just didn’t do what I said I was going to do. I’d have little flurries of activity with the business then I’d do nothing. No business was forthcoming. I picked up the kids, ran the house and cleared out the linen cupboard but I didn’t work on the business. That went on for about 18 months.

It was decided that I should get a job. I’m not quite sure who decided that but I know it wasn’t me. So I started job hunting. The trouble with that was that I had no clue what I was looking for. In the end, after a number of false starts and disappointments I decided to just find some admin work to get me back ‘out there’ and then start thinking about what I would do. I got a job quite quickly and I won’t bore you with the details but I spent 9 months in absolute misery. It was the worst employment experience of my life. I hated every minute of it and that level of misery is not conducive to forward planning – not for me anyway. I had to get out so in desperation I signed up with an agency to do some admin temping. I thought doing that would allow me to keep working, pick and choose when I work and start to try and make some decisions about my future. I had a lot of skills and experience not to mention qualifications; I just needed to find a good fit for all that.

One week after signing up with the agency I was offered a temping assignment. It was for a month (that is unusual in itself for a temping job) with an educational organisation. Result.

I’ll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Yulish stuffs

Yuletide greetings from the Southern Hemisphere. Here I am writing from my blog called ‘Bridget’s Flame’ a Solstice goddess whose flame will pierce the darkness.  Here I am celebrating the Winter Solstice, with all its symbolism around rebirth (of the Sun), introspection and planning for the future. Here I am among all this and with absolutely no idea what the future holds for me.

I have spent yet another 24 hours immersed in the ‘internal debate’ I mentioned in my previous post. Thoughts, plans and ideas playing tag in my head until I thought it might explode and fall right off and into my cornflakes. I’m tired, tired of thinking, tired of being confused and tired of holding on so tightly and having to know NOW. This minute. IMMEDIATELY!

So, when faced with a dilemma of such momentous proportions, I decided to do what any sensible girl would do… I consulted my astrologer.  She said;

“The course of Venus brings you to an even deeper level of thought. Realisations of what motivates you, what really makes you happy in the core of your being, rise to the surface and bloom in the light of consciousness. A freedom and a responsibility in one. ‘For am I now seeking the favour of men, or of God? - St. Paul’”.

Right then. Lovely as it was (thanks St Paul) that didn’t really help, it just confirmed my confusion.

So I did the next logical thing and moved on to my Goddess Tarot iPhone app. For we all know that nothing answers life’s little questions like an iPhone app. It said ‘it is time for us to take our fantasies and transform them into reality’. At first I thought that meant I should make that call to Johnny Depp but it probably didn’t. Unfortunately.

Sigh.

I’ve already said that this week I’m going to blog it all out. A great spewing forth of all the revolting mixed up-ness that has been accumulating in my head for some time now.  It’s not life and death. It’s not even that important in the grand scheme of things. In fact at times it will make me sound like a whiny, ungrateful little pain in arse.  Sorry about that.

Because really, what have I got to complain about? With my health and my education and my family and a roof over my head and food to eat and shiny things to play with.

Yeah. Well unfortunately saying all that doesn’t make it go away, it doesn’t ease my confusion or pull me up by my bootstraps or help me make decisions about how I want my life to be.

So…tonight I’ll light a candle, meditate on the solstice, fly my freak flag from the tallest tower and then tomorrow… I will begin.

Solstice blessings to you all.

Honest blogging

After my post today I received a lot of encouragement and support via comments and emails.  I was invited over to Laoi’s blog (I think she actually said ‘ahem! please go and see my blog young lady’) so I went…and this was there waiting for me…..

along with these words….

* Speak our truth from the heart and tell it like it is.
* Share openly and honestly our true feelings without fear of judgement, Blame or shame.
* We write to share our achievements so others can also share our joy.
* We write about our bad times too, knowing that the love and support of others is around us and perhaps heal another’s pain in the process..
*We are human beings will real feelings and emotions and REFUSE to hide behind a mask.
* We dare to be different
* We are Free Spirits
* We realise that by spilling out, we lighten our load.
* We acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses and don't see them in terms of success or failure.
* We laugh together and cry together
* We are all following our own journey in our own unique way

Thank you so very much Laoi, I need to get all this stupid crap out of my head and my blog is really the best place to do it and I am so grateful that you have all made it clear to me that it’s ok to do that.   So this week I’m going to write it…all of it…even the horrible, ugly, ego driven stuff that I’m not proud of AT ALL.

Brace yourselves people.

The world turns

Well here I am again, popping up when you least expect it. Life is no less busy, the temporary job I was doing was extended another four weeks, that four weeks is up next Friday but they don’t seem to have any plans to let me go. 

I’m a bit conflicted about it all, I like working there even though the work is not what I normally do.  I know it won’t challenge me for long (it doesn’t really challenge me now but it’s interesting enough to hold my attention).   It’s a nice working environment and probably has some potential for future work that is more in my field.   However I sometimes can’t help feeling I’m just ‘settling’ for something less than I am capable of and avoiding stepping out into the world and actually doing something I want to do.

One of the reasons I haven’t been blogging is that my life is just full of this incessant internal dialogue of whining and moaning and indecision and it seems grossly unfair to inflict others with it.  I bore myself, it certainly wouldn’t be entertaining for anyone else.

So I’ll continue my inner debate and occasionally pop by to let you know I’m still alive.

In the meantime if anyone has any idea how I can get my mojo back I’m all ears.