Friday, May 9

I haven't blogged.....

...because I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. In fact I felt very, very against the whole idea.

I don't know why.

During the school holidays I had a week at home alone while Tom and the girls went to his parents' farm. I spent one day enthusiastically planning all that I would do while they were gone and the rest of the days moping about wondering why the hell I exist at all (yes, I really was that melodramatic). Usually I enjoy these alone breaks. This time I was a misery.

That misery has stayed with me and as much as I love blogging every inane detail of my life and thought in my head, even I knew the thoughts I was having were most certainly not for public consumption. So I spared you. You're welcome.

Added to my general sulky demeanour is this....

My little girl started school. She loves it and it has to be said I'm very happy too. Well no, that's not exactly true. I'm glad she has started school, I'm glad she is enjoying it so much, I'm glad I now have time to do all the things I need and want to do but...... it is taking me a while to get used to it. I am completely out of the routine that has sustained me for years. I have hours a day lying empty before me and instead of being excited about that I find myself wondering what the point of anything is. Then I end the day beating myself up for not getting anything done (and yes, I should know better than that -this is probably one of those times I should practice what I preach).

For such a long time I was busy every minute of every day. I had children and home and work and Uni and my business and gradually over the last few months that load has lessened - work has gone, Uni is finished and Aislin has started school. I thought it would feel great, but it doesn't, it just feels empty. Of course I have lots of things still needing to be done but I just cannot seem to motivate myself to do them. I can't be bothered working on the business, I consider what I'd like to do if I went back to work, I debate with myself whether or not I need a new direction all together.

So until I decide I'm trying to settle into a new way of living life. I hope my enthusiasm returns soon. I'll try not to bore you too much with my whining.

Here she is again. Doesn't she look grown up?

3 comments:

kate said...

I remember what it was like when my first daughter started school. Like you, I love being a mother more than anything else and when you start having to let them go it feels a little bit sad. It sounds as though the rest is just what you need...take care Caitlin.

Cathy said...

Your little baby looks very grown up and very cute! I know what you mean - I have been procrastinating lots and before I know it, the day is over, I have not accomplished what I wanted to accomplish and I'm too tired to even blog about it!

I have just returned to the blogging world myself... hopefully I won't drift off again. I really do like keeping up to date with everyone.

I'm sure you'll find your happy place again... xxx

miss*R said...

hey, I am always melodramatic and full of angst... and I am always wondering why the hell I exist.. and my baby is 18 xoxo