Friday, January 4

The long post....

Last night I was thinking about how I came to be where I am in my life today. How just about every decision I've ever made contributed to the path I ended up on and that, in turn, contributed to the next decision I made. It's amazing how intricately woven it all is, one small change to the pattern and the path veers off in a different direction.

I have spent a lot of time and energy getting to the point I'm at now. Incredible to think that a career decision I made so many years ago directly affected where I have ended up career-wise today. The (almost impulse) decision to do a hotel reception course, led to working in hotels and working my way through management until I reached executive level then moving into tertiary education, lecturing in hotel managment subjects, and finally completing my B Ed. I remember being in a class while doing the hotel reception course all those years ago and looking at the lecturer and thinking 'I want to do what you're doing' and years later I was. Several times over the years I attempted to complete a Bachelor of Arts degree. I kept dropping out to go off overseas or take up a new career opportunity. I'm a Sagittarius, we're not known for our ability to stay on task - hey, there's a big world out there waiting to be explored - we're the Labradors of the Zodiac, always bounding enthusiastically after the next frisbee adventure. Which is why it won't surprise you to know that in there somewhere I also studied astrology for two years, learned Shiatsu massage, became an accredited development coach and dabbled in lots of other stuff, just to experience it all. But I digress...back to the point - for me it was a bit of a miracle to stay still long enough to finally complete a degree, even if wasn't the one I originally started.

Over the years I've fallen in and out of love, had relationships, left (and been left in) relationships, met Tom, had babies, got married (yes, in that order) lost both of my parents, lived in England, Scotland and Australia, travelled, became Vegan, started a blog and much more. I don't regret any of it, I've had fun and enjoyed myself a lot of the time and even in the failed relationships I learned about myself and others - often painfully, but usually usefully. So far it's been a full and enjoyable (most of the time) life.

About two years ago I had a plan (unusual for me, I'm more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl). I wanted to complete my degree - done, secure my coaching accreditation - done, leave my job - done - and concentrate on my own business - not really done yet. I have been doing some coaching, running workshops, teaching meditation and doing some writing and I'm fully qualified to do so - well done me. However I don't have much set up for this year yet. But I promised myself that once the degree was finished we'd celebrate the festive season and then I'd seriously get to work on the business.

So you can imagine my dismay to discover that, when I look at what the future holds in terms of career/work, I realise don't want any of it any more. How can that be? How can I work so hard and be so determined to reach a goal, for such a long time, then find it's not what I want? Holy crap.

I suddenly find myself just wanting to withdraw from it all. I told Tom I want to get me some dreads, have my nose (re)pierced, move to Nimbin, or Byron Bay or some hippy community in Tasmania and homeschool and grow our own Marijuana produce.

I'm not sure what happened but somewhere along the line I lost myself. I became the very thing I was hoping I'd never become. I was emailing back and forth with my sisters yesterday on this very topic. Fiona kindly pointed out that we used to be 'pretty cool really, you were hip baby-wearing people....you were Buddhists and did things related to that...'. She then summed it up by informing me that we had become a 'respectable couple with kids, a mortgage and sensible jobs’ and closed by saying 'So there you go, just to make you feel better, I’ve noticed you’re boring now too'. Moyra then pointed out that she agreed with that summation and that we were 'living diffrently from what I would imagine from you'. I love my sisters, they are probably the only people on the planet that can say things like that to me without me being offended or hurt (in fact I thought it was hilarious). And anyway, they were only saying what I'd already been thinking myself.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper the screen. It's not about regret - I really don't have many of those, and I'm not beating myself up, I just realise that at some point my path veered in a direction I'm not quite comfortable with. I'm proud of all my achievements and still feel that everything I've learned is part of my future - I just don't know how yet. I have no idea at this stage how to deal with my current mid-life crisis but for me just waking up to it and acknowledging it is important.

Oh and I have a cold and feel like hell. But then that's what we do isn't it? Sometimes we have to make ourselves sick long enough to stop us in our tracks so that we can examine ourselves a bit.

Rock on.

3 comments:

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kate said...

Oops...what I was saying is that I know there's some genuine angst in there but your sense of humour shines through in your writing. I started my own business six years ago without having a real idea of what it would be. It unfolded organically and it's amazing. I hope you find a way to make it work.

Caitlin said...

Thank you Kate and of course you are right. I need to just go with what feels right. That's always worked for me before. I also need to accept that it's ok to change my mind.